This event pre-dates my interest in captivity and isolation. So at the time, I didn’t realize what happened to me. See my previous post on isolation with the link to the youtube video “mind field”. After watching that, I realized that I had an isolation induced freakout. It was a real moment of despair and uncertainty that overwhelmed me physically.
I was on an 18 mile backpacking trip solo. I had planned, geared-up, supplied and hiked about 8 miles to my overnight campsite. I had chosen a spot in the wilderness with a view and slept in a hammock. Everything went perfectly. I made a little fire, cooked some food, enjoyed the view, and then it hit me….
Holy fuck, it’s gonna get dark in about 45 minutes and I’m alone in the middle of the god damn wilderness!
This wasn’t my second solo backpacking trip. The first one went perfectly. So I thought I was totally prepared. But on the first trip, I stayed at a developed campsite. It’s an area where they’ve restricted wilderness camping in a popular area in favor of concentrating the impact to a single site. Even though I hike their alone, had my own tent platform, and didn’t talk to anyone, I still wasn’t technically “alone”.
this second trip was different. I was really, seriously, alone. Not even a signal on my cell phone. I don’t know why it affected me, but I felt suddenly overcome with despair at the fact that if I wanted to leave, I couldn’t. I had everything I needed. I was not hurt. Everything was going according to plan. But suddenly, I was fully committed to the plan. I could have turned around, or stayed at the developed campsite two miles back. At any point before this, I had options. Now….no options.
It only lasted about 3 minutes, and if you were looking at me, you wouldn’t even know it was happening. But inside, I felt my heart racing, and my emotions exploding.
Then it was over. and I was fine. I don’t remember how that happened. But that’s probably because I didn’t know what it was. I figured I was just exhausted from hiking uphill for 8 miles with 50lbs on my back and got a little loopy. But really it was something like what happens on a person’s first night of prison….not that I know what that’s like, but that’s what happens on TV anyway.
Locked Dummy 