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Rather than write another report about my night in chains, I’ll just copy/paste my letter to Ms Cassandra.

After our call, I blogged some.  Then I laid out all the equipment I would need for my conditioning assignment last night.  I watched some TV and waited until it was late enough to go to bed.  I was nervous.  This assignment was different.  The previous night, I was just cuffed at the wrists and ankles, with plenty of range of motion.  This time, my movement would be restricted as well as my vision.  It sounds like such a simple adjustment but damn…it was much more of a mental challenge than anything we’ve done so far.

I did not lock on the hood.  The collar that holds it on has a locking mechanism, but it’s in the back and I wasn’t sure I would be able to reach it or work the key, so I used the “honor system” with the hood.  The collar did have a d ring in front, and that was attached to my chains.  This relieved the neck strain that we talked about.  Since the chain just attached instead of going around my neck, there was alot more slack.  I could stand, but just a few inches short of being fully upright.  So it’s just enough to keep me from being comfortable upright for more than a few minutes.

I believe I could be restricted further by shortening that chain, forcing me even lower.  The setup in my pictures from last night is no joke.  It literally forced me to remain very low and very close to the ground.  It might be a good experiment to see how long I could tolerate that.  But last night, I had a little more range of motion and it seemed to work fine.

Well, “fine” is a subjective word.

My sleep was subject to multiple forms of torment.  The chains are heavy.  This time I added a third chain, and locked them all together in multiple places.  So every single movement was affected by the chains.  Simple re-positioning was enough to wake me out of my half-asleep state.  The chains reminded me of how heavy they were every time I moved.  The floor was hard, necessitating constant re-positioning, which only made the chains more cumbersome and noticeable.

The hood was also quite cruel.  Waking up, opening your eyes, and not seeing anything is quite unnerving, though I was trying to sleep so it’s not like the darkness was frustrating.  I imagine being locked in darkness while wide awake must be infuriating.  I think the hood is going to have to be limited to a “daytime” toy from now on though.  I’m not too comfortable with the breathways.  It really only allows for mouth-breathing which meant anytime my mouth closed, my nasal breath would heat up the hood and it would wake me up.  Luckily the blindfold part is detachable and the strap is lockable.  So I can be blacked-out without having such a heavy piece of gear on my head while sleeping.

I did get up once to go to the bathroom.  I crawled there and back.  Totally blindfolded.  Complete darkness. Feeling my way through my own bedroom, I felt like a fool.

I’m tired today.  I’m sore, and tired.  I’m groggy and a little disoriented.  I was out of bondage by 6am and chose to sleep in my bed for a couple hours before work.  I slept in extra and was late.  I didn’t shave or shower this morning either.  I look like someone who was held in a dungeon the previous night, lol.

I feel like this thing we are doing is starting to take form.  There was a time when I would have said “fuck this” and just jerked off to the idea of a remote Mistress exerting control over my life in cruel ways.  But I was telling the truth when I told you that I’ve been a lurking fan of yours for a long time.  And it’s like I’m finally in the service of my dream-domme, and there is an internal motivation to not fuck it up.  I consider that power.  Power that you have over me.

And because of that power, I really really did sleep on the floor last night.  I really did lock myself in heavy chains.  I really did wear a blackout hood for the entire night.  I didn’t do it because I think darkness is arousing.  I did it because I fear the consequences of rejection from you.  I like being featured in your blog.  I like that you’ve found value in me.  And that’s starting to create an irresistible force that seems to be compelling me to do ridiculous things.

I did not enjoy my night on the floor.  There were certainly moments were I thought to myself “get these fucking things off of me”.  And that was always inevitably followed by the realization of “Ha ha, no dummy, you CAN’T get out, even if you wanted to”.  Obviously it was safe and I could get out.  But I would have to destroy things, and risk irreparable damage to our rapport if I bailed out.  So instead, I was stuck, literally forced to endure suffering.

These feelings…hopelessness, despair, frustration, force, oppression….these are not “good” feelings.  These aren’t the feelings I necessarily set out to experience, though I expected they would come.  The fact that I felt these things proves that I was truly controlled.  It proves that the powerlessness of my situation was authentic, and real.  And that thought definitely definitely aroused me a few times through the night.

Crawling to the bathroom I thought….”take off that damn blindfold!  stand up and walk like a person damnit!”.  And then I was immediately humbled by thoughts like “you can’t stand up, you’re the subjugated puppet of Ms Cassandra and she says you belong on the fucking ground”.  And it was true.  I couldn’t get the chains off, so I was forced to obey them.  As someone who’s really more of a ‘bottom’ and not a ‘submissive’ that was a very tough thing to realize.  That thought was like a punch in the gut.

I definitely don’t want to spend another night on the floor.  It wasn’t comfortable and both times I tried it….I was junk the next day.  But that’s not up to me anymore.  And that is such an unnerving, anxious, intimidating feeling.

Thank you Ms Cassandra.