Pushed…

Both Ms Cassandra and I had shaky weeks. I called out sick on Wednesday and she wasn’t feeling well during the end part of the week. I was partly disappointed, but mostly relieved when she told me that we wouldn’t be playing on tonight. My mind has been running 100mph with thoughts of oppressive bondage for weeks now and I could have certainly used the break.

I was surprised to get an email from Ms Cassandra telling me to call. I was expecting to simply touch base, catch up, and talk of future plans. We’re still getting acclimated. I’ve been bombarding Ms Cassandra with blog posts and emails of ideas I’ve had and tools I’ve found. It’s a lot to process, so I figured we might chat about a few ideas and build from there.

Instead Ms Cassandra slapped me with a hard dose of reality. And the reality is that I am her slave. I am owned. I am a puppet. And I have no choice but to respond when she pulls the strings.

Last weekend I had learned my lesson about being the chained pet next to Ms Cassandra’s bed. Twice she had me sleep on a hard floor, in chains, all night. The keys were locked away in a steel lockbox. The box is locked securely with a timed-padlock that will not yield til morning. The results are HERE. As you can tell, it was a powerfully humbling experience.

But that experience was over. I had been humbled. I knew the suffering of sleeping like a dog. I felt the soreness. I endured the fatigue through the following days. She took something from me those nights. She took little of my dignity, a little control, a little more power. So there is no reason to have me do it again. That is, except pure, cold-hearted sadism. And that’s exactly how she ended our call.

I wasn’t surprised. I wasn’t disappointed. I wasn’t scared. Instead, what I felt could probably be described as desperation. It was that feeling you get when something is happening, you don’t want it to happen, but your mind still tries to think of a way to stop it. Could I ignore the order? Could I cheat? Could I leave myself a way out if I really can’t stand it overnight?

No. I couldn’t do any of those things. I had to make peace with what a dummy I am. I had to accept that my dummy-ness makes me weak for cruel women. I have to accept that Ms Cassandra is my owner, and I can not say no to her.